I've got great news.
I just got appointed editor of the school paper.
We have a school paper?
Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the library.
We have a library?
I don't blame you for not reading the revere express.
It stinks.
But Ms. Cohen expects me to turn it around.
The same way I turned around the math lab.
We have a math lab?
Hey, there's Darlene. Don't look!
She's got this huge crush on me. Don't look!
I thought you said she always ignored you.
That's how you can tell when they're really interested.
I told you not to look!
Watch this.
Hey, Darlene.
Hey, Zack.
So what brings you over to this neck of the woods?
Uh...My locker.
Right.
I was just guarding it for you.
No need to thank me.
Although I wouldn't say no to dinner and a movie.
Thanks, but I'm not really dating these days.
So what days are you dating?
Cute.
Keep 'em laughing and they're all yours.
Check this out. So, you wanna go out this Saturday?
Ok. Anything but Chinese.
My stomach's a little queasy.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
As your editor in chief,
I would like to welcome you all
to the wonderful world of newspapers.
As members of the fourth estate,
we will strive to expand the intellectual horizons
of our comrades in learning.
Can I say something, chief?
Absolutely, Barbara.
And p.S. I like the chief.
Thanks, chief.
I think we should do a hard hitting expose
on towel snapping in the lockeroom.
Harmless prank,
or welts of rage?
You're angry. I like that.
That's the kind of story
that will get people to read the paper
before they turn it into an airplane.
Incoming.
Zack, what are you doing here?
I'm joining the paper.
Sorry, but all the positions are filled.
Wally's our weather guy,
Barbara is our investigative reporter,
Alexis is our copy girl,
vance is our photographer,
and the lovely Janice and Jessica
are doing health and beauty.
I'm doing health.
I thought I was doing health.
You're doing beauty.
I'd rather be healthy than beautiful.
But I'm really healthy.
But I'm really, really healthy.
And I'm really, really glad you're not triplets.
How about sports?
It's big Bob on sports.
If you can bounce it, dribble it,
kick it, or hit me in the face with it,
I'm your man.
Excuse us for a second, everyone.
Look, you don't understand.
I need a job on the paper.
My only other option is joining the marching band.
What's wrong with that?
The only instrument left is the glockenspiel.
Darlene would never go out
with a guy who plays the glockenspiel.
Look, I'm trying to run a newspaper here,
not your love life.
If you don't give me a job,
I'll keep making scary monster sounds while you're sleeping.
You're Mr. spooky head?
Fine. There's only one spot open on the paper.
The advice column. Ask Shirley.
You mean I'd have to be a girl?
No, it's anonymous.
Oh. Good.
That means no one will know you're Shirley.
Oh, good. Then that means I'm the man for the job.
I mean wo-man.
Look, I just hold the paper to a very high standard,
and I don't know if you're right for the job.
What are you talking about? I give great advice.
Example: That shirt makes you look like a dork.
One chocolate ding-a-ding.
What's the magic word?
Now!
Esteban, open this.
Ok.
London, what is the matter?
Someone is a little irritable today.
Well, that's because I haven't gotten any sleep
the past 2 nights.
Well, usually when you can't sleep,
there's a psychological reason,
something deep down that is gnawing at your soul.
My soul?
Of my otori vitaly shoes?
Or maybe she just has a lot on her mind.
No. No. No.
I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with my life.
Well, then what's the problem?
I can't sleep!
And now I can't hear!
Neither can I!
No yelling in the lobby!
So how's the column coming, Shirley?
These people are all so pathetic.
Listen to this loser.
"Dear Shirley,
"I have a small perspiration problem.
"What should I do?
Signed sweaty in social studies."
Dear sweaty,
next time, let the letter dry
before you mail it.
You can't make fun of people's insecurities.
You have to be more sensitive.
I can be sensitive.
I just found a gray hair.
Congrats, grandma.
Way to be sensitive.
It was hardly worth the trip in here.
Fine, fine, fine.
I'll try to be more sensitive.
[Clears throat]
Dear stinky boy,
here's what you do to hide your sweat stains.
Join the swim team and tell people
you just came from practice.
That is the dumbest advice
I have ever heard.
Dumb?
And you call me insensitive.
Lights off.
Lights on.
I said lights on!
Oh...
Sorry, lights.
[Telephone rings]
[Sneezes]
[Ring]
Hello.
Hey, maddie. It's me, London.
I'm in my room and I can't sleep.
What should I do?
Ok, the first thing you have to do...
Uh-huh.
Is hang up the phone.
Right.
Now what?
Maddie, this isn't working.
[Sighs]
[Telephone rings]
Marion moseby. How may I help you?
Moseby, I can't sleep. What should I do?
First, relax all of your muscles
from your head to your toes.
[Exhales]
Now start counting backwards from 100.
Ok.
[Inhales]
100...
99.
You do it for me, moseby.
You're better at the alphabet.
Oh...
98...
97...
96...
90...Ha...
Moseby?
What comes after 90...Ha...
I'm telling you, nobody's going to listen
to your stupid advice.
I know it looks like sweat,
but the truth is, I'm on the swim team
and I just finished doing 100 laps in the pool.
Would you look at that.
Bob is sweaty in social studies.
But he's doing pretty well with the ladies,
all thanks to Shirley.
Ok, so it worked for Bob.
No one else is going to like your stupid column.
Cody, I love the ask Shirley column.
It's hysterical,
and the advice is actually pretty good.
I think Shirley's brilliant.
In fact, she and I are a lot alike.
Tell her, Cody.
I see no resemblance whatsoever.
You've got to tell her I'm Shirley.
No. She's anonymous, remember?
Well, that's not working out for me.
If you tell her,
you're going to be in the marching band
glockenspieling for the rest of your life.
Maddie, the mints are overflowing.
I'm too tired to stop.
London has woken me up 4 nights in a row with her phone calls.
You, too?
I finally had my phones disconnected.
I'm telling you, something is troubling her psychologically.
The human mind is a complex thing.
Miss tipton?
Miss tipton.
Well, in most cases.
I am so tired.
No way.
Ask Shirley just got a letter from Darlene.
How do you know it's from her?
She dots her is with a smiley face.
A lot of girls do that.
Hers has a beauty mark in the shape of a heart.
"Dear Shirley,
"I really like this guy,
"but he comes on like a player
"and he can kind of be obnoxious.
"But he is really funny and awfully cute.
What should I do?"
Just ask me out, honey, and hope I say yes.
How do you know she's talking about--
oh, yeah. She said obnoxious.
I think I'll give Darlene a little advice
on how to take a crack at the Zack.
What are you doing?
Just watch.
Sometimes a player isn't really obnoxious.
He's just hiding the fact that he's shy and sensitive underneath.
You can't do that.
Why not?
Because it would be
using your position on the paper
to manipulate someone
for your own personal gain.
It's morally repugnant.
Come again?
Bad. Wrong.
A no-no.
Oh.
That morally repugnant.
Don't you realize you would be compromising
your journalistic ethics?
You see, that's where you're wrong.
I have no ethics.
Cody, we have great news.
Really great news.
Terrific, actually.
Would you get to the point?
Ms. Cohen's looking for you.
She loves the paper.
She really, really loves it.
Really?
She says you're the best editor
we've ever had.
Really?
And her favorite column is ask Shirley.
Really?
Everyone loves the ask Shirley column.
Even the football players are having it read to them.
Good work, team. All right!
[School bell rings]
Well, from what I read,
Shirley does seem like my kind of woman.
Think you could hook me up?
I don't think you and Shirley are going to work out.
Oh, you just wanna save her for yourself.
Trust me. I don't.
So, isn't it great how much people love my column?
Although it kind of creeps me out
that Bob wants to date me.
You could do worse, and you have.
Actually, I'm hoping to do better.
A lot better.
You really think your advice to Darlene
is going to work?
"Take a chance. Ask him out for a milkshake."
Hey, Zack. Just taking a chance here,
but would you like to go out for a milkshake?
Gee, Darlene, this is such a surprise.
I mean, I always thought you thought I was sort of...
Obnoxious.
I did, but then I found out
that some guys who are players
might really be shy and sensitive underneath.
Well...
That's me.
What's wrong with your brother?
He forgot his combination.
Oh.
Try this candy.
It's hard on the outside,
yet soft and mushy on the inside.
Kind of like me.
Ha ha! You know...
I'm really having fun.
Oh, me, too.
And the best part is
I feel like I can open up to you.
Just think of me as Dr. Phil with hair.
Well, I've only had one boyfriend before,
and it didn't turn out so well.
What happened? Tell Dr. Zack.
He told me he had to study,
but I caught him kissing my best friend at the movies.
What a jerk.
It took me forever to get over that.
Like, almost a month.
Well, you can trust me.
I know.
Thanks.
No kissing in the lobby!
No. I'll get those things.
No, it's fine.
Zack, why is your backpack full of ask Shirley letters?
All right.
You caught me.
I cannot tell a lie.
I deliver the letters to Shirley.
She lives in Maine, someone stole her bike,
she broke her leg, and she's afraid of the bus.
Ok, I'm Shirley.
That means you read my letter,
which means you're the one
who gave me the advice to ask you out?
Yeah.
And see how great it worked out?
I mean, here we are, almost kissing in the lobby.
Ha ha ha! No!
Here we are almost kicking in the lobby.
Oh! Ow!
What was that for?
That letter was written in confidence to Shirley.
Now that I know it's you, it changes everything.
You lied to me to make me like you.
I never want to see you again.
Mom, come see the new edition.
I changed the font.
I went with helvetica.
I'm proud of you, honey.
I don't like to admit it,
but I owe a lot to Zack's ask Shirley column.
It's taken him 13 years, but he finally pulled through for me.
I'm quitting the paper.
What? Why?
Darlene found out I was Shirley,
and now she hates me.
So! Use the paper to find another girl.
What about, uh...
P.U. In p.E.?
No. I really hurt Darlene's feelings.
I don't deserve to be giving advice to anyone.
Find yourself another Shirley.
I can't.
No one's as obnoxious and insensitive as you are.
Don't sweet talk me.
I'm not going to change my mind.
Oh, yes, you are.
You have a responsibility to your readers.
They want Shirley. They need Shirley.
They trust Shirley.
You know what? You're right.
Shirley does have something to say.
That's my girl.
"Once upon a time, there was a little puppy named pokey.
"He lived on the outskirts of a town named skokie.
[Laughing]
"He had lots of trouble trying to fall asleep,
"so he lay down in his kennel
and began to count sheep."
Baah! Baah!
One sheep...
Baah baah baah!
Two sheep...
Baah baah!
Three sheep...
This isn't working. I know it's you, Esteban.
No, it's noooot.
Baah baah!
Just give it up, Esteban.
Oh! Just pull.
Is she asleep yet?
No! No! No!
How about I sing you a lullaby?
Ok.
♪ Hush, little rich girl, don't say a word ♪
♪ daddy's gonna buy you... The whole wide world ♪
[Gasps] Yay, daddy!
I can't sleep now.
I'm too excited.
Carey, sleeping, not shopping.
I'm trying here.
This isn't working.
Ooh! Ooh! I know!
Let's all rock Ms. London's bed.
Oh, ok.
Miss London...
Uh-huh.
Close your eyes. Yes.
Picture yourself in a boat,
gently rocking in the waves,
up and down--
stop! I'm getting bedsick!
Wow. You're so rich, you have diamond dust bunnies.
You know, I thought I felt something
sort of lumpy underneath the mattress.
Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
This mattress must be two feet thick.
There's no way that you could've felt--
[snoring]
Just like the princess and the pea.
I am so tired.
Oh, me, too. I'm beat.
Well, let's get out of here then, and let her sleep.
I don't know about you guys, but I am--
aw...
Isn't that adorable?
[Snoring]
Or not?
This is not the ask Shirley column I approved.
I can't believe you used your entire ask Shirley column
to apologize to Darlene,
then tell the whole world that you're Shirley.
I felt like I was living a lie.
I am not the woman everyone thought I was.
This is not about you.
This is about something bigger than you.
This is about me!
I mean the paper.
But the paper isn't only just ask Shirley.
Oh, who are you kidding?
The paper is dead.
No one even cared about Barbara's editorial on chalk:
"Harmless educational tool
or dust of doom?"
Hey, Zack.
I need to talk to you.
Look, if you're here to kick me again,
let me know, because I'll push Cody in front of me.
I'm not here to kick you.
I'm here to thank you.
It takes a real man to apologize in public...
Shirley.
He forgot his combination again?
Why doesn't he just write it down?
I'm really sorry for everything I did to you.
Zack, if you promise not to lie to me again,
I'd like to give you another chance.
I'll have to think about it. Yes.
Oh, this is great.
You exploit me and my paper,
manipulate a girl, then abandon me,
destroy my paper, and still get the girl?
Now what am I supposed to do?
Dear loser...
Hope you had a pleasant stay, Mrs. winters.
Go outside and enjoy that beautiful spring day.
[Ding ding]
Are these your baaags?
Let me call you a caaaaab.
One more like that,
and there goes your raaaaise.
Ok. I'm done.